February 23, 2012

Modern Pretenders to the Italian Throne - Where Are They Now?

A bunch of countries used to have monarchies, got rid of them, but naturally didn't kill every last one of the last king's descendants. As you'll soon find out, leaving these unlanded but entitled successors live may have been a mistake! This is WHERE ARE THEY NOW, ITALY EDITION.

There were only ever four Kings of Italy: Vittorio Emanuele II, Umberto I, Vittorio Emanuele III, and Umberto II. Due in part to Fascist connections and in part to being generally dumb and worthless, Umberto II only lasted for a little over a month in 1946 before Italy declared itself a Republic, hence his nickname, the King of May. But unfortunately, there are still two claimants to this throne, and for some reason they continue to make a show out of declaring themselves King and Duke and so on. Meanwhile, the Italian Republic is perfectly with dignified heads of state like Silvio Berlusconi.

Vittorio Emanuele IV in front of his disappointed father
The first claimant is Vittorio Emanuele IV, or as God calls him, Alberto Carlo Teodoro Umberto Bonifacio Amedeo Damiano Bernardino Gennaro Maria, the Duke of Savoy and Prince of Naples. A good name if you'd like to practice the language. He declared himself king in 1969 and decided to call his fiancee a duchess. 

In 1978, Vittorio saw that someone had tied his yacht's dinghy to another yacht so he went around carrying an M1 Garand to see what was up and he accidentally shot and killed a 19 year-old kid. Basically the Italian Dick Cheney, with a few yachts thrown in to make me even more angry while reading about this. After more than a decade of legal proceedings, he served a six month suspended prison sentence. For unauthorized possession of an M1 Garand. Not for, you know, killing a guy.

Vittorio was originally banned from entering Italy along with his dad in 1946, but after decades of hearing his whining, Italy let him return in 2002, on the condition that he completely renounce his claim to the throne. Bear in mind that he KILLED A GUY but whatever, sure, go ahead and AMEND THE CONSTITUTION so he can come home anyway. After his return, he went through the typical old white guy stuff like raging anti-semitism, casino prostitution scandal, and a literal public fistfight with his fellow claimant to the throne, Amedeo (see below). Oh, and what's more, he recently asked Italy to pay him for all the moral damage they did on removing his family from the throne. Nice.

Amedeo, or Paul Krugman in twenty years
The last reigning Italian monarch, Umberto II, had a cousin named Emanuele Filiberto who was Duke of Aosta. That Duke had a son named Aimone. Then that guy had a son named Amedeo, the other claimant to the Italian throne. He's also just a spectacular human being. While in his second marriage, he father an illegitimate child with Kyara van Ellinkhuizen (I only mention her name because it rules). The child has Down Syndrome. Amedeo said he would legitimize her and pay for her welfare, but instead of doing that, he did nothing to help the child until a judge forced him to.

But hey, he didn't kill a guy and hate Jews and run a prostitution ring, so AMEDEO IS THE BEST OF THE PRETENDERS to the Italian throne. I hope he dies in an only slightly gruesome fashion.

Amedeo and the wife he cheated on, and their totally royal-lookin' tats