February 8, 2012

Eli's Big Day: A Super Bowl Retrospective Salad


"Shucks," he said, as he lifted the Lombard Lump of Lanthanum. As everybody really knew would happen, the Patriots had failed to Strike Back in Episode XLVI. The eyes of the country upon him, and Eli still couldn't get that annoying Tinie Tempah song out of his head. The crease of his lips just slightly upturned, Eli decided to shake the trophy slightly once more. Yeah. Yeah, that felt pretty good.


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On an unrelated note, Did you know? The film "Moneyball" is based on a true story. Brad Pitt is also divorced in real life.


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Elsewhere, the people of Boston were scheming how to destroy their most successful sports organization ever. Any other town would pick at Tom Brady's superior attitude, his supermodel girlfriend, his excessive ability to appear a good loser. But Boston has no pretensions about their pretension; a superior attitude is preferred. This would be a tough task, much more difficult than kicking the nerds off the Sox.


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Eli's offseason thoughts 2012, a complete list:


  • "Hehheh"
  • "Shucks"
  • "DAYum, she shore got me good withat one!"
  • "Balls are pretty cool I guess"
  • "Satan's gon' hear the reaper, you're 'a win, you're the sun 'n' the rain! This song rules but what'n'the hell's it sayin'?"
  • "Pizza rules, man"
  • "Dammit, Abby, I'm tryin' to watch some Meerkat Manor, alright?"
The most popular ad of the Super Bowl according to a consumer poll was the Dorito's Sling Baby advertisement. As you and Punxsutawney Phil both know, this means six more years of terrible ads. Thanks, America. And while we're on the subject, fuck Boston.


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Did you know? No professional football player has ever lasted the entire Super Bowl without pissing. See, they aren't so different from us, after all.


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Eli Manning is not just a happy accident of genetics, no. It took generations of conditioning and preparation to produce the perfect specimen you see today. God alone could not be the source of a face that hilariously goofy.


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Boston sports fans! Hello, It's Me! You may realize by now that I hate all of you, but Can We Still Be Friends? Don't get too angry at Welkah or Brady, because, and I know this is an old Cliché, but that game's just Dust In The Wind now. You've got to face the Cold Morning Light in Foxborough and think to yourself there's always One More Day. Time Heals. Maybe next year you'll get to Piss Aaron Rodgers off in Super Bowl XLVII.

Couldn't I Just Tell You that Gronkowski might have won the game for you without that injury. And I know he was up and Dancing Barefoot* later that night, but you know it's not easy for a guy like Gronk to score post-Super Bowl. You've got to Believe In Me when I say It Takes Two to Tango. Now This is For the Girls: You're not a Slut just because Gronk in the club made you Breathless. Now of course, Gronk says he doesn't need surgery, but the offseason's so long that It Wouldn't Have Made Any Difference.  He keeps it in perspective though, like he always says, "Some Folks is Even Whiter Than Me." 

No matter what happens in the next few years, you'll always have the Sweeter Memories of Super Bowls past. For now, forget those who bet on Black, Maria Menounos for instance. I know it's A Long Time, A Long Way To Go, but I Hope I'm Around for your next big sports moment, ready to console/insult your fanbase. Honestly, Sometimes I Don't Know What To Feel. I'm afraid that with Just One Victory your town would get all that entitlement right back. I don't mean to Bang On The Drum All Day about this, but maybe your city lacks Compassion. You know what it is, I think We've Gotta Get You A Woman. Maybe you should see new people, give you Something To Fall Back On outside of sports, you know? The world of sports is all Black and White, so sometimes you can lose that Spark of Life and just keep thinking about the Celtics Sons of 1984 all day. Don't be that kind of sport fan who's on Facebook all day posting nothing but Useless Begging for a new championship. I Think You Know where that kind of fandom gets you.

Blue Orpheus.