April 15, 2014

Real Life Math Problems: The Pizza Order

A high-quality image of a low-quality DiGiorno pizza.
My writing brand is all about providing content that's both entertaining and educational. That's why I decided to provide this real-world math problem based on a troubling life experience I had this week. My friends' names have been replaced with their online screennames to protect their privacy and character.

The Problem: NattyEdwards, KevinOTooooooole, and xxKrisAnneBonifacioxx want to order a pizza. NattyEdwards will eat four large slices of pizza. KevinOTooooooole will eat three large slices of pizza. xxKrisAnneBonifacioxx will also eat three large slices of pizza. If any of them eat fewer than their preferred number of slices, they will still feel hungry and get super pissed.

The local pizza delivery place makes large pizzas that come with eight slices. Their large pizzas are also priced at only a dollar more than their medium pizzas, making that size the only economical choice

Oh and by the way, NattyEdwards likes to eat leftovers the next day for lunch. He will eat any amount of leftover pizza that is in the fridge. One slice, thirty slices, it doesn't matter. He will eat all of it for lunch the next day. The problem is, his friends will get angry if he eats more than two slices. They could have had some of that leftover pizza! But NattyEdwards is an unthinking, uncaring, leftover pizza-eating machine.

So, how much pizza should the friends buy to avoid anyone getting totes livid as heck?

March 24, 2014

Obscenity Index Power Rankings - March 2014


Once upon a time, I saw a Subway ad for Jason Bateman's "Bad Words" movie and thought I should write a funny, timely, topical piece on bad words. There were three problems with my plan:

1. Jason Bateman's film "Bad Words" is not about bad words. It is a pun on the film's subject, a spelling bee.
2. No one is going to go see Jason Bateman's film "Bad Words."
3. What the heck would a topical piece on bad words look like?

After a week of trying not to think about my many mistakes, and also doing a lot of research for a fantasy baseball draft, I came up with this: An obscene language power ranking, talking briefly about cuss words in the headlines the same way that sportswriters briefly rank and talk about news for each team in a league. Now let me get in character after the break. *Ahem*

...

March 19, 2014

March 7, 2014

Ironic Wiki Word Counts

I'm not the first person to do this, but... I spend a lot of time on Wikipedia, because I want to know every thing (which is just a little different from knowing "everything"). I love reading Wikipedia, but I have slowly come to accept the two major non-silly criticisms directed at the site:

1. Wikipedia is not written by experts. (I wrote the article on Cavour, the first Italian prime minister, when I was about 14. The article hasn't really changed since then. My early teenage attempts to craft my own writing tone should not still be part of an online encyclopedia.)
2. Wikipedia is much more comprehensive and thoroughly edited on pop culture topics than anything else.

The dumbest, shallowest, funniest way of demonstrating #2 is with ~Ironic Wiki Word Counts~ in which several Wikipedia articles sharing some common element are compared by length. If the more pop culture-y, low brow, or intellectually unimportant article is longer, then congrats! You can snark! Let's see an example.

Up the Down Staircase [the classic '60s novel] - 326 words
Up the Down Staircase [the not particularly classic 1967 film] - 423 words
Up the Down Steroid [a South Park episode whose title is a reference to the above novel] - 590 words

See? Animated TV jokes > meh movies > literature. Here's a less clear-cut, but still hilarious example, after the break: